The Dandelions

.. the mutual admiration and bashing society.

Whoever Said Being Married Was Easy!?

Posted by ErnieJean on October 6, 2008

 Just the other day, I came across this lady advising her daughter, prob in her tweens, to “…study hard and get a good paying job, be financially independant….becos if you marry the wrong guy, you will not find yourself trapped and you can just divorce and move on….”
 
I think most parents with daughters would probably dish out similar advices, including yours truly, although not so extreme as to indicate “divorce” as an option out of a bad marriage, but usually, it’s to ensure our daughters grow up earning their own keep and to be equal matrimonial partners.
 
Me personally? That while my baby girl learn to stand on her own two feet, she will be also be taught of the realities of marriage, that any youthful idealisation will be balanced with some degree of premarital disillusionment and that marriage should be for keeps. The vow “till death do us part” that she exchanges with the man of her dreams will be the only vow she ever takes, so choose wisely………ideally, that is. 
 
Have you noticed how today’s society, in an effort to support “Feminism“, “Individualism“, etc, has unintentionally downgraded (destroyed, perhaps?) the importance of the marriage institution, and perhaps, in a domino-like effect, affect the family structure too. We see more and more couples preferring to opt the easy way by divorcing at the first signs of trouble in a marriage or to co-habit as “Life Partners” rather than as “Husband and Wife” (hhhmmm…perhaps that would help in the reduction of divorce rates, I suppose)

“If the family trends of recent decades are extended into the future, the result will be not only growing uncertainty within marriage, but the gradual elimination of marriage in favor of casual liaisons oriented to adult selfishness.  The problem… is that children will be harmed, adults will probably be no happier, and the social order could collapse.” – Harvard sociologist Pitirim Sorokin, The American Sex Revolution.

Sorokin, in his review of the history of societies through the ages, have also found that none survived after they ceased honoring and upholding the institution of marriage between a man and a woman.”

But then again, in an effort to “preserve” and “honour” the sanctity of the marriage and family institution, does that mean the usually more dominant partner in the marriage gets to continue dictating “terms and conditions” for the weaker partner to obey submissively? “All for the sake of the marriage”? That in order to maintain peace in the family, someone will have to give up the rights to “personal space” and “individual rights”?

Bear in mind though, because the families in today’s society are still very much built on the “patriarchal structure”, wives are usually expected to obey and submit to their husbands, despite them being part of the breadwinning team. Ideologies of “Women’s Lib” flushed down the drains?

So, how does one balance that delicate line between maintaining “marital happiness” and one’s “individuality”?

I’ve been married for a good couple of years now, and believe me when I say, the struggles to find that perfect solution to the balance, is pretty much, STILL a struggle. I suppose, there’ll never be a perfect formula.

But is it worth it, one may ask. Well, while there’s no hard and fast rule to what’s right or wrong, if it involves someone you truly love and cherish, despite all the conflicts, then I’d say, it’s truly worth every heartache, especially when there are children involved. Sometimes, I suppose, “self-centredness” and “self-importance” will just have to take a back seat, huh? 

By the way, just out of curiosity, ever wondered what secret lies in the successful marriage of these two?

Gosh, what a lovely couple......

Gosh, what a lovely couple......

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

11 Responses to “Whoever Said Being Married Was Easy!?”

  1. […] fluorescentfate wrote an interesting post today on […]

  2. sherrieh said

    To grow a relationship requires constant loving attention. That’s the secret to success for the above couple! I write tips to living and loving at Love My Journey at sherrieh.wordpress.com. Shift your thinking and shift your life! Reframe your angel blessings!

  3. jingoisticbuthornydesperado said

    Long time no hear!

    You have my full support on this issue Ernie. I believe especially now i na modern society, with economic demands, women should be more independent.

    Best regards to you!

  4. Madame said

    Ernie,

    Such a difficult issue and one that most of us struggle with daily, I’m sure😉 However, women are often forced to be the ‘peace-keepers’ and most often have to swallow our pride and principles in order to maintain peace and harmony in the home. We do it for the sake of our children, not wanting them to be traumatised by incessant arguments and tension.

    This, my darling Ernie is what is so popularly termed as ‘compromise’😉 Even if most of the time, the ‘compromise’ seems to be coming fm the female partner😀

    For the record, isn’t love all about respecting a person’s differences/passions and even celebrating it? That’s what love means to me🙂 It takes a very strong and secure individual to be able to love this way….

    I have made my peace with ‘compromise’ but not to the extent where I’ve lost my individuality🙂 Marriage is a life-time commitment to ‘compromise’….yep, mostly coming fm the female partner😉

    BIG hug to you for writing on this difficult issue.

  5. Madame said

    One more thing, this is what my Mom told me…. Getting married is easy, but staying married will probably be the single most difficult thing you will ever do in your life!😀 Wise words of caution, me thinks….😉

  6. Crankshaft said

    Very nice post, Ernie Jean. I have thought a lot about these stuff recently.

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  8. mamasita said

    So your name is Earnie Jean?Hai,nice to meet you.I believe that true love has been keeping the marriage intact.The wife has accepted him for whatever he is and has been his staunciest supporter.I am not her close friend but if a woman has gone through a lot especially about the vicious rumours of her husband having affairs etc..I think she deserves a lot of respect for swallowing such pain..to think she’s willing to do anything for her husband and probably sacrifice even her own happiness at the end of the day..sadly she may be in that category..modern lady but ancient virtues!

  9. missjolie said

    Marriage is an ongoing effort. Compromise and sacrifice is but part and parcel of it. As in life, sometimes u win some, sometimes u lose some….there is no perfect person out there either, only the right person for you…

  10. erniejean said

    Madame, I suppose, that’s why women were created to be of sterner stuff……..😛 And your mum’s advice, def one of the wisest I’ve heard *chuckle*

    Hi there Mamasite…I suppose for a couple to survive an affair, it’s def love and faith that’s pulling them through.

    Yea MsJolie, it’s def a lifelong learning process, isn’t it? Also depends on how focused the couple are in keeping the marriage work.

  11. psc said

    the secret is—vitamin M (money)

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