The Dandelions

.. the mutual admiration and bashing society.

Archive for the ‘sex’ Category

Thirteen Things That’ll Make You LOL!

Posted by Foodie on September 25, 2008

Here’s another something I received and enjoyed. Something to lighten up the mood in light of the depressing and ridiculous happenings in Malaysia of late! Enjoy readers. It made me laugh, hope it does the same for you! 🙂

1. A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job.
99.9% of them said, ‘the 10 minutes of silence’!

2. Advantages of having an affair with a married woman? They give like hell. They do not yell.
They do not tell. They do not swell and there is no wedding bell.

3. Women have to be more beautiful than smart: Cause men see better than they think.

4. Woman’s Quote of the Day:
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it’s our job to stomp on them and
keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have dinner with.

Men’s Counter-Quote of the Day:
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and
then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.

5. A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards. You need:
a HEART to love him,
a DIAMOND to marry him,
a CLUB to smash his head in, and
a SPADE to bury him!

6. What’s the definition of a gynaecologist?
He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most other people find pleasure!

7. What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless later.

8. What is the strongest muscle?
The tongue. It can raise a woman’s hip with just one lick!

9. Why is the 69 position like driving in rush hour?
The arsehole is always in front of you.

10. What is the difference between a panty & a stage curtain?
When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over.. but when you pull down the panties, it’s SHOWTIME!

11. A divorced man meets his ex-wife’s new husband at a party. Later after knocking back a few drinks,
he goes over to the new guy and asks him: So… how do you like using second hand stuff?
The new husband replied: It isn’t that bad. Past the first three inches, its all brand new.

12. A lady bought her ex a present for his birthday. He opened it and said, ‘What the hell do I want with a rocket?’
She said, ‘You wanted space.. now fly off!’

13. It’s funny how as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing
beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope.
Tie me up and you can do anything you want, she purred. So I tied her up and went fishing.

  

  

Posted in Meaningless, miss jolie, sex, Sexuality | Tagged: , , , | 13 Comments »

Another Seventeen More!

Posted by Foodie on August 31, 2008

Here’s something hilarious I received from a male friend recently I felt worthy of posting. It’s from the male’s perspective by the way. Considering how the spirit of Merdeka Day is in the doldrums , I’d like to spruce things up a bit in here 🙂 Enjoy, have a great laugh and a great Merdeka too (if you can) ;P

** Some of the jokes are a bit crude and may offend certain prudish parties. Apologies in advance if anyone is offended in the process. 😛 **

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – A big dick or a good memory.
I don’t remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…’

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men –
‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on
earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try
Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good
partner, you’d better have a good hand.
;
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the ‘whole thing’. He was happy
with the ‘Hole’ and she was happy with the ‘Thing’……

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t.

16. Q: Why do men f ind it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men
still sleep with their wives!!

Posted in Meaningless, miss jolie, sex, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »

Twelve Things to Give You Reason to Laugh Today!

Posted by Foodie on August 27, 2008

After more than a week of heavy stuff in this blog, I’ve decided to lighten things up in here a bit 🙂 After all, the victory at Permatang Pauh certainly calls for some celebration in the Dandelions! Don’t you think? Here’s something I received from a friend recently! Enjoy.

1) To make it straight, she pulls it. To make it stand, she rubs it. To make it stiff, she licks it. To put it in, she pushes it. It is a hell of a job threading a needle!!!

2) A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he wanted his blood back. The girl threw a bloody KOTEX at him and said, ‘I’ll pay you in monthly installments.’

3) Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend ‘The man next to me is masturbating!’ Bf: ‘Ignore him.’ GF: ‘I can’t.’ BF: ‘Why not?’ GF: ‘He is using my hand!’

4) The Biology teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks ‘Does anybody know what this is? Dirty John says ‘Oh, it’s a penis and you know Dad’s got 2 of them’. The teacher says ‘2 of them?’ John says ‘ya’. The little one he uses to pee and the big one to brush mum’s teeth.’

5) 4 miracles of a woman: A. Getting wet without taking a shower B. Bleeding without getting hurt C. Giving milk without eating grass D. Making boneless meat hard

6) What is the smallest hotel in the world? The answer is ‘Vagina Inn’. It accommodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggages left outside.

7) Unborn twins saw a penis approaching. 1st: Papa coming, papa coming 2nd: You fool, it’s uncle lah. Papa never comes with raincoat!

8) A hubby said to his wife, ‘ I will take a photo of your breast and frame it.’ The wife said to husband, ‘I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.’

9) What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs? Snow White said, ‘ I would rather have 7 inches at 1 time. Not 1 inch 7 times.’

10) The vagina is the world’s best rehabilitation center. Even the most violent and aggressive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.

11) A loving husband had ‘I Love You’ tattooed on his dick. When he got home, he showed it to his wife. She said, ‘There u go again trying to put words in my mouth.’

12) Lady was trying on a dress. Husband: ‘Your ass is as big as a BBQ pit!’ Later in bed, husband said, ‘Want to do it?’ Wife: ‘It’s a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.’

Posted in miss jolie, sex | Tagged: , , | 21 Comments »

Consensual Sex: Will Saiful be charged as well?

Posted by ella-mae on August 7, 2008

Anwar was charged under section 337B in court this morning. MalaysiaKini has the news here.  A lawyer confirms section 337B refers to consensual sex and not assault.

Since consensual sex against the order of nature is a crime, don’t you think it’s kinda odd that ONLY Anwar was charged in court today? And why exactly is Saiful Bukhari under police protection?

And Uncle (Auntie) Pet, what say you now?

I thought earlier Saiful was willing to swear upon the  Holy Quran that he was violated by Anwar. Violated, kena rogol, sexually assaulted!!!! That’s what Saiful claimed earlier… no mention of consensual sex!!! Like hello, what’s happening, Saiful? Looks like the police  “main your belakang” olredi.

Updated at 1:19pm.

Here’s Saiful Bukhari’s first entry at his blog.Monday, July 7, 2008

Buat Rakyat Malaysia…

Assalammualaikum dan Salam Sejahtera Rakyat Malaysia,

Dengan ini, saya Mohd Saiful Bukhari Bin Azlan ingin mencabar Anwar Ibrahim supaya BERMUBAHALAH di hadapan para ulamak.

Kepada Rakyat Malaysia yang dikasihi, Ingin saya tegaskan disini bahawa isu ini adalah ISU PERIBADI antara saya dan Anwar. Saya harap agar seluruh rakyat Malaysia bertenang dan tidak termakan dengan taktik kotor si MUNAFIK yang sedang dalam kelemasan ini.

Saya terima segala tohmahan dengan hati terbuka dan tidak sesekali mempersalahkan rakyat dalam hal ini.

Sebagai mangsa, saya berhak untuk mendapat pembelaan.

“Yang HAK Pasti Berdiri, Yang BATIL Pasti Jatuh”.

ALLAHUAKBAR!!

Sekian,
Saiful Bukhari.
Posted by Saiful Bukhari at 11:11 PM

So what is it la… victim or willing participant???

Posted in anwar, Anwar Ibrahim, conspiracy, Current Affairs, ella-mae, Famous for Wrong Reason, Homosexuality, malaysiakini, News, sex | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments »

Chocolate, sex and orgasm

Posted by jingoisticbuthornydesperado on August 3, 2008

Sex is too much of a taboo and I would like to demystify sex. I am not just talking about any sex, I am also going to talk about kinky sex with the help of chocolate…… Hah, no I am not a practical sex guru, I would probably consider myself as an amateur kinky sex theorist.

Chocolate is one of my favourite desserts, especially Belgian chocolate. There are three commercial houses being Leonidas, Neuhaus and Godiva. Leonidas is the most affordable, I have tasted it and I like it. However, Neuhaus and Godiva are supposedly a league above Leonidas, but so is the price being a league above. Neuhaus is recommended for people who like quite a fruity flavour. Godiva has less of a fruity mix, and the chocolate has just the perfect mixture (in my opinion) of chocolate taste with (coffee or nutty). Whereas masturbation-induced orgasm or lousy sex last for less than 5 to 10 minutes, the pleasure from indulging in Belgian chocolate can be more than 5-10 minutes, and yes I would rather forsake lousy 5-10 minutes sex and 5 minutes masturbation for Godiva chocolate. Be forewarned, 250 grams of Godiva chocolate is at a whooping RM65!

So how does one make full use of an expensive chocolate? This requires a loving (or lustful) couple of course! And perfect for Valentine’s day! First place the chocolate nuggets at the appropriate body parts (preferably without the clothes, and use your imagination). How do you want to pick up the chocolate nugget is in the realm of your fantasy. I personally think the mouth and the tongue are underused organs or limbs…… Whoever uses the teeth should be banned from sexual intercourse! A little bit of whipped cream along the ‘treasure trail’ might help, usually whip cream isn’t expensive, you can get a bottle of spray-on whipped cream for maybe RM6 I think.

For those who are more health conscious, a few strawberries on top of the whipped cream is a possible alternative. One of course can play with and move the whipped cream around by blowing gently and lovingly…… Yes, blowing gently can be very sensual (no, I am not talking about 69 or oral sex when I talk about blowing).

Yes this is hedonism, is hedonism bad? No. Why the hell does mother nature give us sensual pleasure if we don’t indulge in it. And I personally despise unrealistic and unreasonable social taboo and mind-numbingly stupid and inhibitive social norms. You say norm? I say bollocks. We are not hurting anyone are we? Sex to me can be viewed as an art form. It is beautiful, artistic and healthy. It releases endorphin into your body which makes you happy. And a good sex is as good as and probably better than 45 minutes of jogging session. Yup, good sex burn a lot of calories. Good sex with chocolate is heavenly. Don’t forget, coco is full with antioxidants that slows aging. You enjoy it and it is not painful like botox injection.

Posted in Dandelions, Food, Horny, jingoisticbuthornydesperado, sex | Tagged: , , , | 12 Comments »

Who is Saiful Bukhari’s “God Mother” Mumtaz Jaafar?

Posted by ella-mae on August 2, 2008

Raja Petra Kamarudin mentions Mumtaz Jaafar as being Saiful Bukhari’s “God Mother” in two of his No Holds Barred posts.

The first was The Malay Unity Sodomy Conspiracy posted on July 26th, 2008 where he wrote the following.

Actually, Saiful hardly knows his father. His father abandoned his mother soon after he was born and the mother remarried. When his mother died, his stepfather also disappeared and Saiful was subsequently brought up by his uncle (or was it his auntie?). And one important aspect in this whole episode is that Saiful’s ‘God Mother’ is Mumtaz Jaafar — who is Rosmah Mansor’s nominee and ‘bag lady’ in all their clandestine business deals.

And RPK mentions Mumtaz Jaafar again today in his Killing Two Birds with One Stone No Holds Barred post, rather cleverly putting forward possible questions (with regard to her connection to the Deputy Prime Minister’s wife) that might be raised in court should Anwar be formally charged.

During the course of Anwar’s impending trial, Malaysians will be told of the link Saiful has with Mumtaz Jaafar. Malaysians will also be told who Mumtaz Jaafar is and what her ‘special’ links with Rosmah are. Further to that, Malaysians will be told about the relationship between Najib’s Special Officer, Khairul Anas, and Saiful — and the less than manly reputation these two buggers had while still in school. Yes, the excitement and kinky sex that is going to spill over from this trial will cause Astro to lose a lot of business.

So who is this Mumtaz Jaafar? I only know of one possibility and that is the former sprint queen of Malaysia.

Datuk Mumtaz Jaafar

Status : Part-time Coach

Race : Malay

Date of Birth : 30/6/62

Job : Sports Development Officer

Age : 46 (current)

Sex : Female

Achievements : Gold – 1981 SEA Games in Manila (100m)

Woman Athlete for 1981 & Selangor Sportswoman for 1981.

Malaysia’s top sprinter Watson Nyambek will be gunning for his first sprint gold medal in the SEA Games at his own turf. But unlike many other sprinters or even male athletes who train under another male coach, the “Flying Dayak” is being coached byMumtaz Jaafar, the former sprint queen in the region.

Born on Jan 30, 1962 in Nilai, Negeri Sembilan, Mumtaz rose to become one of the top women athletes ever produced by the country. At one time, she jointly held the national 100m record of 11.9 second with another former great, Marina Chin.

Her biggest achievement was winning the 100m gold medal in the 1981 SEA Games in Manila. She was named the Woman Athlete of the Year for 1981 and Selangor Sportswoman for 1981.

But in 1982 she had a despair outing in the 1982 Asian Games in New Delhi.

Her disappointment continued a year later when she failed to defend her 100m sprint gold in the SEA Games in Singapore. In the same year, she announced her temporary retirement from athletics due to thigh injury and subsequently to have a baby. She got married to Dom Amy Hussein in April, 1982.

But her love for sports remained and she made a comeback in November, 1984. Mumtaz went to West Germany for a two month training stint in July, 1985.

Despite her courage and overseas stint, Mumtaz failed to make a strong comeback in the 1985 SEA Games in Bangkok but reigned supremacy on the local front.

She retired in April, 1986 after eight years of competition.

Off the track, Mumtaz who is employed by the Selangor Sports Council, remained active and was appointed as coach to Watson in November, 1997.

In July, 1999, she was retained as vice-president of the Malaysian Amateur Athletic Union (MAAU) and was the Woman Sub-committee chairwoman of MAAU.

The mother of four, who is also active in politics, lost her MAAU vice-presidency post in the election last year (not sure what year it was, because I got the bio data from this link and no one has bothered to update it).

Could it be THE Mumtaz Jaafar, the former sprint queen whom RPK says is Saiful Bukhari’s “God Mother” and a close Rosmah Mansor (bag lady) associate?

Gee, I dunno. Check out the photo below and you decide. Pay special attention to ladies marked as “MJ” and “RM” 😉 Photo link here.

Meanwhile, check out this MalaysiaKini link where Mohd Saiful Bukhari Azlan has claimed that he accompanied PKR de facto leader Anwar Ibrahim to three overseas trip this year alone.

And (OH!!), Saiful Bukhari has a blog 😉  Click here!

Posted in anwar, conspiracy, Current Affairs, ella-mae, government, Malaysia, People, Politicians, Raja Petra Kamarudin, sex, UMNO | Tagged: , , , , , , | 118 Comments »

This one’s for the Boys : The mysteries of the Female Psyche revealed

Posted by Madame on July 30, 2008

How often do you Boys moan about this? (yep, men are natural moaners….go on, admit it 😉 ) ‘Women are impossible to understand!’, ‘I’d rather rob Fort Knox than try to understand a woman’s logic’ and blah, blah, blah…it goes on….and on…

I’ve asked myself a thousand times…..Are women really that hard to understand or are men just too damn lazy to make the effort to try and understand us??? After all…men are perfectly able to understand each other just by GRUNTS….women actually speak in words which form sentences…so I figure that it’s just too much work for the male species 😉

Here are some common scenarios to clue you in, Boys 🙂

Female : ‘Awww…Honey, you bought me flowers for Valentine’s Day? Baby, you shouldn’t have bothered…its so expensive and I dont want you to waste your money.’

Usual male response : OK

Preferred male response : But, my darling…you’re deserve this and much more. I want to give you the world.

————————————————————

Female : I dont want to talk about it. Its ok….I’m fine.

Usual male response : OK

Preferred Male response : Darling, talk to me please. I want to share every part of your life….the good and the bad. I’m interested in everything about you!

————————————————————

You see the pattern, Boys? It’s that word “OK”. What the hell is that, I ask?! Its the laziest form of agreement, I figure 🙂 Strive to use words that are not monosyllabilic 😉

Ok then…let’s move on…you Boys get my drift, I’m sure. The Preferred Male Responses are the ones that you should be striving for, you will acheive Nirvana if you could just listen and answer us and show some interest. Women dont want GRUNTS….if we did, we’d get ourselves a little Porky 😉

Ahhhhh…now to the all important Male Obsession….SEX!!!! When IS a cuddle just a cuddle and nothing more? And when does a cuddle mean ” Ok, Stud Muffin….tonight’s your lucky night!” ? Sometimes, all we women want really is a cuddle…it gives us comfort and security. YESSS…these are 2 words that women use frequently….look up the meanings, Boys… memorise them and utilise them 😉

When the woman has had a difficult/emotional day….Please, Boys….we want a cuddle ONLY….Tarzan tactics will probably get you a swot on your head or worse 😉 Women dont appreciate “The Slam-Bam-Thank You-M’am Routine” at all. We want foreplay….INFACT, we demand foreplay! We like to be romanced…not pounced on, for Pete’s sake! 😀 It is very much an emotional and spiritual experience for us…so take a little time to ask Her about how her day went, massages would work very well too, give her a nice surprise….it’s the thought that counts! Set the mood and if you followed my suggestions, by now your woman should be ‘almost putty’ in your hands and then ask her nicely… if she would like to….Yes, Boys….do ask, please. Neanderthal Men are such a turn-off! 😉 Women love that freedom of choice…its empowering! 😉

Celebrate and cherish the differences between the Male and Female species. I’ll bet you wouldnt want to play the ‘Hokey-Pokey’ with a She-man ;-P Treat her well, respect her and protect her….all the while remembering to romance her and I’ll bet that every night…or almost….will be a “Stud Muffin, it’s your lucky nite!”…kinda night! 🙂

Now….that wasnt so hard now, was it, Boys?! 😉

P.S. Pay close attention, Boys, to the words that have been high-lighted…I know that even reading this might be too much work for you 😀

Posted in Female Psyche, madame, Observation, sex | Tagged: , , , , | 16 Comments »