The Dandelions

.. the mutual admiration and bashing society.

Posts Tagged ‘humour’

Thirteen Things That’ll Make You LOL!

Posted by Foodie on September 25, 2008

Here’s another something I received and enjoyed. Something to lighten up the mood in light of the depressing and ridiculous happenings in Malaysia of late! Enjoy readers. It made me laugh, hope it does the same for you! 🙂

1. A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job.
99.9% of them said, ‘the 10 minutes of silence’!

2. Advantages of having an affair with a married woman? They give like hell. They do not yell.
They do not tell. They do not swell and there is no wedding bell.

3. Women have to be more beautiful than smart: Cause men see better than they think.

4. Woman’s Quote of the Day:
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it’s our job to stomp on them and
keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have dinner with.

Men’s Counter-Quote of the Day:
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and
then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.

5. A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards. You need:
a HEART to love him,
a DIAMOND to marry him,
a CLUB to smash his head in, and
a SPADE to bury him!

6. What’s the definition of a gynaecologist?
He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most other people find pleasure!

7. What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless later.

8. What is the strongest muscle?
The tongue. It can raise a woman’s hip with just one lick!

9. Why is the 69 position like driving in rush hour?
The arsehole is always in front of you.

10. What is the difference between a panty & a stage curtain?
When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over.. but when you pull down the panties, it’s SHOWTIME!

11. A divorced man meets his ex-wife’s new husband at a party. Later after knocking back a few drinks,
he goes over to the new guy and asks him: So… how do you like using second hand stuff?
The new husband replied: It isn’t that bad. Past the first three inches, its all brand new.

12. A lady bought her ex a present for his birthday. He opened it and said, ‘What the hell do I want with a rocket?’
She said, ‘You wanted space.. now fly off!’

13. It’s funny how as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing
beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope.
Tie me up and you can do anything you want, she purred. So I tied her up and went fishing.

  

  

Posted in Meaningless, miss jolie, sex, Sexuality | Tagged: , , , | 13 Comments »

Another Seventeen More!

Posted by Foodie on August 31, 2008

Here’s something hilarious I received from a male friend recently I felt worthy of posting. It’s from the male’s perspective by the way. Considering how the spirit of Merdeka Day is in the doldrums , I’d like to spruce things up a bit in here 🙂 Enjoy, have a great laugh and a great Merdeka too (if you can) ;P

** Some of the jokes are a bit crude and may offend certain prudish parties. Apologies in advance if anyone is offended in the process. 😛 **

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – A big dick or a good memory.
I don’t remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…’

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men –
‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on
earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try
Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good
partner, you’d better have a good hand.
;
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the ‘whole thing’. He was happy
with the ‘Hole’ and she was happy with the ‘Thing’……

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t.

16. Q: Why do men f ind it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men
still sleep with their wives!!

Posted in Meaningless, miss jolie, sex, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »

Twelve Things to Give You Reason to Laugh Today!

Posted by Foodie on August 27, 2008

After more than a week of heavy stuff in this blog, I’ve decided to lighten things up in here a bit 🙂 After all, the victory at Permatang Pauh certainly calls for some celebration in the Dandelions! Don’t you think? Here’s something I received from a friend recently! Enjoy.

1) To make it straight, she pulls it. To make it stand, she rubs it. To make it stiff, she licks it. To put it in, she pushes it. It is a hell of a job threading a needle!!!

2) A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he wanted his blood back. The girl threw a bloody KOTEX at him and said, ‘I’ll pay you in monthly installments.’

3) Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend ‘The man next to me is masturbating!’ Bf: ‘Ignore him.’ GF: ‘I can’t.’ BF: ‘Why not?’ GF: ‘He is using my hand!’

4) The Biology teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks ‘Does anybody know what this is? Dirty John says ‘Oh, it’s a penis and you know Dad’s got 2 of them’. The teacher says ‘2 of them?’ John says ‘ya’. The little one he uses to pee and the big one to brush mum’s teeth.’

5) 4 miracles of a woman: A. Getting wet without taking a shower B. Bleeding without getting hurt C. Giving milk without eating grass D. Making boneless meat hard

6) What is the smallest hotel in the world? The answer is ‘Vagina Inn’. It accommodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggages left outside.

7) Unborn twins saw a penis approaching. 1st: Papa coming, papa coming 2nd: You fool, it’s uncle lah. Papa never comes with raincoat!

8) A hubby said to his wife, ‘ I will take a photo of your breast and frame it.’ The wife said to husband, ‘I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.’

9) What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs? Snow White said, ‘ I would rather have 7 inches at 1 time. Not 1 inch 7 times.’

10) The vagina is the world’s best rehabilitation center. Even the most violent and aggressive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.

11) A loving husband had ‘I Love You’ tattooed on his dick. When he got home, he showed it to his wife. She said, ‘There u go again trying to put words in my mouth.’

12) Lady was trying on a dress. Husband: ‘Your ass is as big as a BBQ pit!’ Later in bed, husband said, ‘Want to do it?’ Wife: ‘It’s a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.’

Posted in miss jolie, sex | Tagged: , , | 21 Comments »