KJ: My Curriculum Vitae, Desperately Looking For A New Job

RESUME

Personal Details:

Full Name: Khairy Jamaluddin Abu Bakar
Age: 32 years old
Date of Birth: January 10, 1976
Place of Birth: Kuwait City, Kuwait
Language spoken: English and Malay

Education Background:

Tertiary education:
1. Master’s degree in Legal and Political Theory from University College London (UCL), United Kingdom
Bachelor’s degree in Philosophy, Politics and Economics (PPE) from Oxford University, United Kingdom

Secondary education:
2. United World College of South East Asia, Singapore

Employment Experiences:

1. Journalist

2. Talk show presenter – Dateline Malaysia

3. Writer for The Economist

4. Special Officer for Deputy Prime Minister of Malaysia Abdullah Ahmad Badawi

5. Deputy Principal Private Secretary for Abdullah Ahmad Badawi

6. Son in Law of Prime Minister of Malaysia, Abdullah Ahmad Badawi

7. Investment banker

8. Deputy President of the Football Association of Malaysia (FAM)

9. Deputy  Chief of UMNO Youth

I am writing this resume to prepare myself for the worse. I may be jobless after that traitor Anwar Ibrahim make good of his promise to take over the government this coming Sept 16th. I may need to quit my Deputy Chief of UMNO Youth and my powerful father in law no longer can provide for me. Damn Anwar Ibrahim!!

I should not make that stupid statement at the Permatang Pauh ceramah that day. What I was thinking saying we are here to bury Anwar’s political career and challenging Anwar Ibrahim to  resign as PKR adviser if he failed to become prime minister by Sept 16. I should just stop and that and not saying I would quit as Umno Youth deputy chief. Damn my smelly mouth!!

I am jobless after selling my shares in ECM Libra Avenue Bhd in 2006. Hey! I sold it at 65 sen per share, 6 sen cheaper from the price I bought at 71 sen, so I actually loss a lot of money! I only made less than RM 7 million after selling all my shares. What rich? I borrowed the money to fund my RM9.2 million shares, sold it for RM7 million  so I actually lost RM2 million okay! Damn that old man Lim Kit Siang, simply say I am the richest unemployed man!!

Luckily my father in law is a good and generous to me and thank God I am the Deputy Chief for UMNO Youth, I still can ‘cari makan’ as the Malays say. For quite some time I am depending on my father in law to pay off my cars, traffic summonses and my 2 iPhones. I am quite embarrassed to depend on him, but what I can do?  You see I have three cars with number plats KJ10Q, WNA13 and WMT8001. The car number plates itself also cost more than the car, you know! Damn the cars!!

I bought 2 iPhones and signed up for the AT&T’s 2 years contract, which is available for USD$60, $80 and $100 per month. I am the Prime Minister son in law, you cannot expect me to buy unlocked iPhone at Lowyat Plaza right? You do the math, cheapest plan still cost me USD1440 per year and I have 2 iPhones. I need to pay for the exorbitant roaming charges some more. Sigh!I shouldn’t buy those phones when I was away vacationing at the States for weeks. Damn the iPhone! Damn Steve Ballmer!! Damn Steve Jobs!!

I need to raise my family. I really need to prepare for the worst.  have listed some of the cool jobs I think I can do best judging from my past experience.  Help me make my decision.

1. Tukang karut in a dikir barat group – I can gather some of the my good friends: Nazri, Badruddin, Najib, Ali Rustam, Samyvellu, Ezam Mohd Nor, Bung Moktar, Pandikar Amin and form a dikir barat group! I am so good at ‘mengarut’, being a tukang karut should not be problem.

2. Lead singer in boria – I have a thing with boria. I join UMNO because I love the boria atmosphere.

3. Start a boy band with Jason Lo, my best friend! – We did MyTeam together, why don’t we start a new boy band to rival Too Phat?

4. A tele marketeer – I have no idea why I think of this job. Wait I heard tele marketeer need to bullshit a lot, I think I can handle that. I cannot make much money from it though. Skip this.

5. Go to Texas and become bull auctioneer – I have a loud voice. I love animals. I can connect with them.  Wait, George Bush is from Texas. I hate the bugger. Skip this.

6. Replace AC Mizal as host in AF – I hosted a talk show before. I think I am way more good looking than AC Mizal. I can make good jokes too.

7. AF contestant (since AF taking contestants up to 45 yrs of age) – I love AF. Damn Mawi! He is so famous now. Ali Cafe, Mamee, Poweroot, Hotlink ads all got his face. I also want to be famous. Wait, I am already famous! HAHAHA! Skip this.

8. Gigolo. – Those lecherous white/Japanese girls love beach boys. I am so tanned and good looking. I can speak with accent which they love. But KJ the Gigolo does not sound quite appealing. Skip this.

9. Start one more boutique selling bra and panties – I already have one at Pavilion KL. Well it’s belong to my wife, so it’s belong to me as well. Then again, it is a bit sissy for me selling bras and panties. Skip this.

10. Join Raja Lawak competition – I had told many funny jokes and people love it! I see many stupid bloggers quoting my jokes without paying royalties to me, damn!!

After much consideration, I reflected on my past achievements in politics, hosting political shows, handling public relations events and all that I have done in the past, I think I have failed miserably. UMNO is now at all time low on the pop charts. I do not want to go down the same path again.

I do not know much words apart from “lawan tetap lawan, kuburkan, liwat, pengkhianat bangsa” so I doubt I can be a good political orator. I made so many enemies, there is no one left for me to interview anyway. If they are seen to be too friendly with me, I may cause their shares to drop for the public may hate them.

I cannot sing that well either, so I do not want to do all those tukang karut, boria, AF, boy band stuff.

I think I should try my luck on the Raja Lawak competition. What do you think?

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