TIPS FOR DUMB HUSBANDS

This is in response to my dear stupendously gorgeous Madame, men do know how to treat the wives..they just need to consult me..

Chris Rock says, “Marriage is all about making a woman happy”. But he also said it is impossible to please a woman.

Now, if that is the case, then we husbands are doomed! Well not really, there is a way around it. Let me break it down to you how to work it…

Before you open the door after coming back from work, your head is already thinking about some loving later that night. The moment you open the door, she jumps at you and starts rambling about how bad her day was. How do you handle this? What do you do? What you should not do is roll your eyes and sigh out loud! The moment you do that, the whole night is screwed! What you should do is say to her in a nice way “tell me all about it after dinner ok, let me take my shower and dinner first”.

The objective here is to push forward the “issue” so far ahead until she doesn’t feel like talking about it anymore.

Now, during dinner and after dinner, DO NOT ask her anything, you do the talking instead. Talk about something good, something that makes her happy. She will feel better and glad you are there to “comfort” her without even talking about her lousy day. Believe me, she will then say the magic sentence we all like to hear…”are you coming to bed”…works every time boys…

What if she makes a mistake? What if she accidentally spills coffee on your expensive Armani suit? Don’t go screaming at her like a crazy baboon! What good can come out of that? Is your suit going to be magically cleaned? Calm down and listen to your Mr. Schlong…he is telling you something. Mr. Schlong knows this is a golden opportunity to get that special “meal deal” upsized. Mr. Schlong is thinking of that thing she rarely does to you, the super special foreplay. So just make that upset face and leave for work. You must make her feel upset rather than sorry. A sorry wife will eat ice cream and talk to her friends on the phone; an upset wife will shave her legs and wax her goldmine. Later that night, she will rub your back and say “Honey, about the suit, let me make it up to you”. Ehem..ehem..Mr. Schlong is going for a swim….

Now, what if you screw up? You did something terrible like calling her mama a fat old woman. How do you get out of this one? Don’t go out there and buy a bunch of flowers or an expensive perfume, she will take it that you are trying to bribe her. Call her mama instead and apologize to her. She will be very happy because you showed some kind of effort. Two words guys; make up sex…

What about us then, what if we have problems? Should we not share with them and get sympathy sex? No, we don’t because once you open that door they will jump straight in and share their problems with you. We don’t want that do we guys? So suck it up and keep it to yourself.

Last bit … weekend is very important. Women do not say this but they expect sex on weekends. Being moody creatures that they are, that expectation can turn into rejection if you don’t play your cards well. Entertain her on weekends, shopping malls, park, baby showers, Avon stockist; just do whatever she desires.

Weekends with the wife are like eating durians, its hard work but you know the reward is scrumptious.

Do all these and you will not have to knuckle shuffle in the toilet every now and then. You might say we end up like beggars; begging for sex. Well either this or you end up married and miserable! Or you can choose to be single and lonely!

I know what I want, what about you?

We Are Not Racist

Some say racism and hate goes hand in hand; racist hates others from different race. Now if that is racism then we are not racists. I believe we are peace-loving people who really have learnt to live in harmony despite being different. We have Chinese teachers teaching Indian kids how to use abacus, Malays eating Thosai, heck we even have an Indian Malaysian Idol (she is so gorgeous by the way!), Malaysians voted her! How in the hell is that possible if we are a bunch of racist! I remember my siblings religiously voting for her, and adore her ever since. I adore her too but for a wrong reason; hey I am a man!

Racism also defined as one group despising other group of ethnicity because of what that other group have done wrongly to them. Now, here we have a problem. Don’t come screaming at me and say otherwise, it is true and you know it! Some Chinese and Indians hate the Malays because of the now infamous much talk about Bumiputera Policy (I say some ok..not generalizing here so take it easy will you!). They hate the Malays because the Policy was drafted by UMNO i.e. Malays.

Let us see if the hatred is indeed justified. I am not going into details, you can google it up if you want, for arguments sake, lets take the most glaring part of the policy which are discount on housings, dedicated mutual funds and scholarship for higher educations.

I bravely put my neck on the line here by saying that the non-Bumis are not against the policy; they just want it to be toned down. For one, why do we need to preferentially award the education scholarship, if you are smart enough, you should get it, right? They should make new application forms with nothing but results and family income data. No names and religious required. If you’ve got the brain and your parents are not well off, you will be qualified.

On housing, instead of the 7% discount across the board, it should be split. The affluent and middle class Malays should buy the properties at level price with the rest of Malaysians. With savings made from this, property developers can afford to offer cheaper properties to the lower income group of all ethnicity. Now is that not a win – win situation for all?

Two basic needs of human being, education and roof over their heads, get them right and all else will be fine I say.

Clearly we are not bunch racist bigots. We do however feel uneasy on the Government Racial based policies. The Government on the other hand thinks we have problems integrating. Hence the unnecessary National Service Program and other stupid programs initiated by the numb nuts. These are not solving the real problem you thick skull!

Come on you knuckle heads! Basic rules number one in solving a problem, fix the cause, not the effect!

Fix the Bumiputera Policy and all will be fine…

Thank You Mr. Rudd, we are very flattered…

Putrajaya: Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd on Thursday praised Malaysia’s revitalized democracy as the two countries celebrated their warming ties by announcing a plan to jointly train teachers from Afghanistan.

Revitalized democracy…hm, let me see.. if this means revitalized then ok.

The opposition parties can only use the websites and alternative media for campaigning whilst the ruling party uses everything, even mat rempits, oh pardon me..Mat Cemerlang.. hghhaiighttt..ptui !

# The opposition parties collect money from sympathizers for campaigning whilst the ruling party uses government coffers..
# The opposition parties’ work hard for their votes whilst the ruling parties just have to set up new army camps and walla..guaranteed voters

There are many more ..I just don’t have the energy…

Rudd, on his first visit to Malaysia since taking office, said Malaysia’s democracy was “tested and applied” in March 8 elections in which the opposition made unprecedented gains, loosening the ruling coalition’s 51-year-long hold on power.

“Democracy is not just alive and well in Malaysia but flourishing,” Rudd told reporters at a joint news conference with his counterpart, Abdullah Ahmad Badawi.

Yes Mr. Rudd, it is flourishing, I think you mean it is impoverished…how the hell can it be flourishing when

* People can’t walk the streets in a peaceful manner without the Police running after them with batons
* Government servants can’t openly support their opposition leaders without being cautioned or transferred to some god-forsaken districts
* University students can’t participate in Political activities..unless it involves the Ruling parties..

There are many more ..I just don’t have the energy

As part of their improving ties, the two prime ministers announced that Afghan teachers will be trained in Malaysia with the help of the Australian government and universities.

Malaysian teachers will train teachers..Expect these then

* The teachers will go to Afghanistan and set up tuition classes..
* The teachers will follow the guidelines to the T..being creative is not necessary
* The teachers will take their professions as part time, and will work full time as direct selling agents, Tupperware stockist, raya cookies suppliers and fabric retailers among others..

There are many more ..I just don’t have the energy

Rudd, who was making a one-day stop in Malaysia on his way home from Japan, said part of the reason the agreement was forged is that Malaysia is a Muslim country that “can comfortably partner with the education needs of Afghanistan”.

I am not sure if our education system has “comfortably” covered our own needs…let alone to help out Afghanistan. It’s for a good cause I know..but with the public school system faltering, isn’t it better if we fix our own backyard problems before assisting others?

People who know me will be quick to remind me that I went to Public school and managed to somewhat survive that. Yes..survive I did..but it was because of my parents. They pushed and pushed until they couldn’t push no more…and then there were the rotan, the hose pipe and the legendary wire hanger. Any child in the world would have done well in school if they had parents who swore by “tough loving”.

Kids nowadays can’t have those. why? Because the economy is so bad, both parents have to work, on top of that some parents even have to dabble in part time jobs to make that extra money.

Yes Mr. Rudd, besides our “flourishing” democracy, our economy is also prospering. Anyway, I think he is just being nice to us because he wants another nasi kandar chain in Australia…

And let me do you a favour Mr. Rudd,

One of your predecessor referred to Tun M as recalcitrant ( that caused a lot stirs here simply because three quarters of us have no idea what recalcitrant meant). To make your life and our life easier, just call Tun M’s successor Mr. Numb …

VIRGIN BLOGGER

When one of us came up with the idea to start a blog for us all Dandelions, we were all excited. This despite the fact almost all of us never blog before. I mean, how hard can it be…turns up..very very hard. Saggie (also a first timer) had a ridiculously fun time in literally dragging Madame through the whole blog maze …

Madame : Hi Saggie

Saggie : Hi Madame..

Madame : How to join the group blog….I’m clueless as usual

Saggie : Me as well clueless

At this point..we we were still ok..thinking how hard can it be right ? You type, you edit..and you post…

Madame: What draft this people talking about?

Saggie : My 1^st draft

Madame : Woo Hoo…managed to set up my acct. You?

Saggie : Yep…finish my first draft too hahaha

Saggie : Go there..and click dashboard..top left corner of the screen

Saggie : There you see others works and also start your own

Madame : go where?

Hmmm…go where..at this point I started to play with my hair..stand by mode to pull what ever left of them…

Saggie : ok.ok, have they sent you mail yet

Madame : yep

Saggie : ok..open the mail, you can see two links there in the mail..yes?

Madame : the one where u set u your word press profile?

Hair pulling ..commence…(at this moment all the smileys Madam sent to Saggie are not really helping…)

Saggie : no..no…the mail they sent after you set the password and the username

Madame : yep…..activated it already by typing in my password. Then another screen comes up with word press….and the dandelions blog is listed there. is that it?

Saggie : click that, click on dandelions

Madame : clicked on the home page now

Madame : and…?

Saggie : click dashboard, ..top left hand corner

Madame : yep…all done and ???

Saggie : are you in dashboard ?

Madame : yes i am. I see 1 post, 2 drafts 🙂

Saggie : ok..you in, the 2 drafts are mine and Barbie’s, write away madame

Madame : how to read what u wrote, Saggie? cant seem to click on it

Running out of hair to pull…pulling my beards now..

Saggie : Go to Posts and then click on mine..

Madame : cant seem to click on it. why, why, why????

Saggie : which page you are now?

Madame : posts-manage posts

Saggie : ok ok, go back to dashboard, then click drafts

Madame : ok…hold on 🙂

I am running out of things to hold on to…

Madame : ok went to dashboard, clicked on the 2 drafts and????

Saggie : you can see the 2 drafts yes?

Madame : yep

Saggie: click on them to read

Madame :YIPPEEEEEE!!!!!

Halleluya…

You know the old saying..it aint over until the fat lady sings ?….

Madame : errrr…..still trying to change my display name to Madame. Cant seem to do that either…sigh…I’m totally hopeless ;)…i definitely need to change the display name…..I tell you….this whole thing is stressing me out…totally 😀

After few more maneuvering, she managed to changed her name …

And then it continues

Madame : Just uploaded my pic…what do u think? 🙂

Saggie : hang on..on the way, I cannot see..This is gonna be a long night hahahaha

Madame : hold on trying to decide which part to crop

I love pain..and I came back for more..

Saggie : Hows the photo going?

Madame : all done! u shud see it soooooon 😉 how to write about me????

Saggie : You just start a new post..save it as draft after..Barbie will post it for you

Madame : ooooookay….hmmmm….brains are already fried after all this idiocy 😀

After I finish few ciggies…

Madame : ok, all done. now what shud i do?

Saggie : go to about page, edit, then paste your piece to the about

Madame : shudnt i save first?

Saggie : save first yes

Madame : ok saving now…

And then..tragedy strucks…well … we sorta see it coming

Madame : damn…i went n clicked on publish…..YIKES!!!!

Saggie : You have officially publish our first post mam,

*laughing till I cry* at this moment

Saggie : Your about is on our front page

Madame :YIKES!!!!!!!!!!

Suffering from stomach cramp…laugh too hard

Madame : hahahahhahahahhahhah…cant stop laughing. Barbie is gonna kill me

Saggie: Yes he will

IT WAS A LONG NIGHT…FUN THOUGH..THANKS MADAME FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT..