Israel is the opium of the people, and other Arab taboos

Mona Eltahawy is a New York-based columnist for Egypt’s Al Masry Al Youm and Qatar’s Al Arab.

“Why aren’t you, as an Arab lady, writing about Gaza?”

The messages started to arrive soon after Israel’s bombardment of Gaza had killed close to 300 Palestinians. Implicit was the pressure to tow the party line: Hamas is good, Israel is bad. Say it, say it! Or else you’re not Arab enough, you’re not Muslim enough, you’re not enough.

But what to say about a conflict that, for more than 60 years, has fed Arab and Israeli senses of victimhood and their demands to stop everything else we’re doing and pay attention to them because what’s the slaughter of anyone else – be they in Darfur or Congo – compared with their own? Hasn’t it all been said before?

And then the suicide cyclist in Iraq made me snap and I had to write, to lament the moral bankruptcy that’s born from the amnesia rife in the Middle East.

On Sunday, a man on a bicycle blew himself up at an anti-Israel demonstration in the Iraqi city of Mosul. The technique blessed by clerics throughout the Arab world as a weapon against Israel had gone haywire and was used on Arabs protesting against Israel’s bombardment of Gaza.

That twisted full circle completed on the streets of Mosul can be captured only by paraphrasing Karl Marx – Israel is the opium of the people. What else explains the collective amnesia in the Middle East?

Has Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni forgotten that, just last year, she was close to ousting Prime Minister Ehud Olmert for his handling of Israel’s 2006 war on Lebanon, launched under very similar circumstances to those that preceded the bombardment of Gaza? And yet, there she was making the rounds of U.S. news shows to explain why Israel had to act against Hamas. Does Israel want to make heroes of Hamas in the way it did Hezbollah?

Talking about Hezbollah, has Hassan Nasrallah forgotten that, while he rails against Egypt for aiding the Israeli blockade of Gaza, he lives in a country – Lebanon – that keeps generations of Palestinian refugees in camps that serve as virtual jails?

And the demonstrators in Jordan and Lebanon? Who reminds them that, in 1970, Jordan killed tens of thousands as it tried to control Palestinian groups based there, forcing the Palestine Liberation Army into Lebanon, where, in 1982, the Phalangists – Christian Lebanese militiamen – slaughtered 3,000 Palestinian refugees in the Sabra and Shatila camps?

Not a single Phalangist has been held accountable for that massacre. An Israeli state inquiry in 1983 found Ariel Sharon, then defence minister, indirectly responsible for the killings during Israel’s 1982 invasion of Lebanon. But don’t hold your breath for an Arab inquiry. It is Israel that gives sense to our victimhood. The horrors we visit upon each other are irrelevant.

It is difficult to criticize Palestinians when so many have died in the past three days, but the Hamas rulers of Gaza are just the latest of their leaders to fail them. For those of us who long to separate religion from politics, Hamas has given truth to the fear that Islamists care more about facing down Israel than taking care of their people. Where was the anger when two Palestinian schoolgirls were killed in Gaza as Hamas rockets meant for Israel fell short, just a day before Israel’s bombardment began?

As for Egypt, President Hosni Mubarak, in power since 1981, has presided over a disastrous policy that, on one hand, maintains a 1979 peace treaty Anwar Sadat signed with Israel and, on the other, unleashes state-owned media fury at Israel that has fanned a near-hysterical hatred for the country among ordinary Egyptians.

Yes, Israel’s occupation of Arab land angers Egyptians, but there is absolutely no space in Egyptian media or intellectual circles for discussing Israel as anything but an enemy. So Mr. Mubarak is reaping a policy that plays all sides against each other in a bid to make himself indispensable.

But my question is: Where is the anger of Egyptians and others across the region at the human-rights violations and oppression in their countries? If such large crowds turned out in Arab capitals every week, they could’ve toppled their dictators years ago.

It is the ultimate dishonour to the memory of Palestinians killed in the past three days to call for more violence. It has failed to deliver for 60 years.

We honour the dead by smashing through the amnesia until we break through to the taboos and continue to smash. Talking to Hamas? Israel should do it if it will end the violence. Focusing on internal issues in each Arab country and ignoring the opium that is Israel? Egyptians, Jordanians, Lebanese and Syrians should do it before their states fail for the sake of Palestine.

Palestinians still have no state. What a shame it would be for one Arab country after another to fail in the name of Palestine.

By Mona Eltahawy.

Mona Eltahawy is a New York-based columnist for Egypt’s Al Masry Al Youm and Qatar’s Al Arab.

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Meritocracy?! It does not exist in Malaysia.

The biggest problem of all our country faces stems from one word. Our lack of or rather non-existent practise of meritocracy. Meritocracy. Now there’s a word I REALLY like! Unfortunately, this word does not exist in our government’s vocabulary. To them, it’s not the best person for the job but rather the ‘right’ race for the job (as evident in the recent case of PKNS). And Pak Lah had the nerve to exclaim during US President Obama’s groundbreaking victory that this may be a possibility in Malaysia one day?  Really? Anyone can be a leader in Malaysia?  For crying out loud, the appointment of a senior official as acting general manager was objected by six staff bodies of state agency Selangor Development Corporation (PKNS) on grounds that she was chinese. Nope, they didn’t deny her capabilities, just her ethnicity.

Without meritocracy in place, there is NO way our country is ever going to advance or progress. Let alone cope with the challenges posed by globalization…. Our issues with filling up quotas for the sake of statistics or politics has to be done with. We are not only lowering the standards of our country’s education but we are also condoning, conditioning & perpetuating racism, social hierarchies …. Our politicians’ self centred, myopic mentality is the main reason our country can only go this far in the race and then stagnate.

We may be a developing nation with our own national car, Twin Towers, man to space project… But, in spite of all these superficially apparent rather than substantial elements, we are still practising legalized ‘arpatheid’ (if you may) in our backyard.

What kind of developing nation is this I ask you? Democracy and Arpatheid does not go hand in hand as with Meritocracy and Advancement.  With such archaic and biased policies ‘you’ are telling Malaysians ‘We Boleh’?! To me, Malaysia TAK Boleh.

First, show me the meritocracy and I’ll show the Malaysia Boleh!

An IDIOT’s Guide To The New Stockmarket Lexicon

In light of the current global economic crisis, confused by all these new words and acronyms bandied around as a result of the credit crunch. Let me help you with a new helpful guide sent to me today…I found this most relevant and useful in helping me understand the current situation a LOT BETTER!!!

CEO -Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET – A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER – What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER – A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT – An archaic word no longer in use.

p/s: My favourite being YAHOO and WINDOWS! Hahahahahaha!

Seriously, I Am So Fed Up!

PAK LAH, LEAVE A LEGACY & LEAVE RPK ALONE!

They say that, the truth shall set you free. Apparently, knowledge is also supposed to do that…set you free that is. But try telling that to RPK, who’s being detained under the ISA for 2 years in a place dubbed ‘peace hill‘ aka Kamunting for speaking out the truth concerning many things and also possessing quite a bit of ‘knowledge’ at the same time, regarding many issues that many Malaysians have been kept in the dark for far too long.

Apart from the detainment, he’s also been ordered to undergo religious rehabilitation. According to officials, his articles are considered malicious and seditious. Well that’s what the Home Minister claims. If you ask me, it’s because he’s been discussing sensitive issues with regards to how Islam is being practised in Malaysia. He’s not slamming the religion in my humble opinion. He’s merely highlighting the hypocrisy.

As if the rehabilitation would change the mindset of a person that easily, is simply too naive for anyone to accept really. I mean we are talking about RPK, someone who is not only strong willed, highly opinionated and at the same time possess such overwhelming conviction in his beliefs, that he is willing to risk everything by writing openly about the sensitive issues plaguing us of late, knowing very well he could end up in this precarious postition one fine day. Let us ponder this for a second. Can ‘piousness‘ be achieved and forced into a person’s consciousness merely through rehabilitation? Or are we talking about a different form of rehabilitation perhaps. I believe it’s called torture? Torturing him might do the job far better if you ask me. Rehabilitation alone, will not eventuate to anything, suffice to say. So I presume after the two years, RPK is expected to walk out of Kamunting a new man, reborn with an entirely different opinion? That is if he doesn’t die of a mysterious illness in the process. If indeed he gets to survive the two years and walks out alive a rehabilitated man at that, I’ll be damned if they have not performed a brain transplant on him; or plastic surgery ala Face Off (Hollywood action blockbuster starring John Travolta and Nicholas Cage)!

Seriously, I don’t understand the stigma attached to discussions or constructive criticisms pertaining to religion. Unless it is being used as an instrument to racially divide the people? After all religion has to move with the times in my opinion and can be achieved through dialogue. As we move and progress forward as a developing nation, religion also has to be updated so that it can be progressive like the nation and people we wish to be. Indonesia, the world’s most populous Muslim nation is far more progressive in this respect compared to Malaysia.

If we seriously want our nation to move forward, nothing and no one(race) should be left behind. Everything has to move in tandem. Otherwise there would be conflicts and dissent.  Our forefathers agreed for the NEP to be passed because they too agreed that no race should be left behind. I believe in the spirit of the NEP. Unfortunately, it has been used not to help the Malays as such but rather to enrich the pockets of those in the ruling elite circle. We still see poverty in the kampungs and the orang aslis are still living in abject poverty not to mention the minorities who are being squeezed to a corner with no where to go. The wealthier ones can afford to migrate but what about the ones who cannot afford to? They will fight of course. It is the basic instinct of  human nature. When you have no means of survival, fighting for it, would be the only solution. And who do we have to thank for all this? Our dear TDM. The result of our country’s demise, mismanagement, rife and institutionalized corruption, racially divisive politics is all thanks to TDM’s doing. Can it be undone?

It is evident, a change of government is in the horizon (my fingers and toes tightly crossed). If I were Pak Lah and I knew that my time was up I would at least fix things up a bit before I left.  Obviously sir, the rakyat is no longer satisfied with the way the country is being run. NOW, if I were in your shoes (Guccis I presume), I would choose to leave a legacy behind before I resign or retire or get booted out (whichever suits your fancy). It would look very good in the resume for one. Would it not? 😛 For starters, you could abolish the ISA tomorrow. That would make A LOT of Malaysians happy. Hell, that might even change the people’s mind about the vote of no confidence. Secondly, you could urge and I mean sincerely urge Zaid Ibrahim to return as Law Minister and give him the full mandate to carry on with the reform of our judiciary system, amongst other things. It’s really not that hard to win the people’s faith back. You may be weak but at least I think you’re not ruthless like TDM. Mahathir ruled with an iron fist but the general consensus is that you, Pak Lah rule with a tofu fist. You could do with a lot more firmness. For once, couldn’t you just DO THE RIGHT thing and think about the legacy you COULD leave behind?

Tunku Abdul Rahman is the father of democracy. I’m sure you’d like to be remembered as the father of tomfoolery reformasi? So allow me to reiterate, firstly, thou shalt abolish the ISA,  secondly, carry out with the reform of our ineffectual judiciary, then reunite the races and propose for a Bangsa Malaysia. (the list goes on, but these three should be good for starters). We Beg of You.  Of all the people you should listen to, is the rakyat. If you do the following, I bet you my Jimmy Choos, you would be remembered very differently(and fondly too) than if you were to continue with your  foolish and draconian acts.

Thirteen Things That’ll Make You LOL!

Here’s another something I received and enjoyed. Something to lighten up the mood in light of the depressing and ridiculous happenings in Malaysia of late! Enjoy readers. It made me laugh, hope it does the same for you! 🙂

1. A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job.
99.9% of them said, ‘the 10 minutes of silence’!

2. Advantages of having an affair with a married woman? They give like hell. They do not yell.
They do not tell. They do not swell and there is no wedding bell.

3. Women have to be more beautiful than smart: Cause men see better than they think.

4. Woman’s Quote of the Day:
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it’s our job to stomp on them and
keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have dinner with.

Men’s Counter-Quote of the Day:
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and
then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.

5. A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards. You need:
a HEART to love him,
a DIAMOND to marry him,
a CLUB to smash his head in, and
a SPADE to bury him!

6. What’s the definition of a gynaecologist?
He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most other people find pleasure!

7. What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless later.

8. What is the strongest muscle?
The tongue. It can raise a woman’s hip with just one lick!

9. Why is the 69 position like driving in rush hour?
The arsehole is always in front of you.

10. What is the difference between a panty & a stage curtain?
When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over.. but when you pull down the panties, it’s SHOWTIME!

11. A divorced man meets his ex-wife’s new husband at a party. Later after knocking back a few drinks,
he goes over to the new guy and asks him: So… how do you like using second hand stuff?
The new husband replied: It isn’t that bad. Past the first three inches, its all brand new.

12. A lady bought her ex a present for his birthday. He opened it and said, ‘What the hell do I want with a rocket?’
She said, ‘You wanted space.. now fly off!’

13. It’s funny how as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing
beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope.
Tie me up and you can do anything you want, she purred. So I tied her up and went fishing.

  

  

China Milk Taint Scandal. Foul Play?

Now why would someone add melamine to milk. Apparently , the unscrupulous suppliers who sold the raw milk had added the chemical melamine, normally used in plastics, to make the milk seem higher in protein. When I read this at first, it made my blood boil needless to say. And then I paused to think, is it that straight forward? Surely the people would fathom the consequences of adding chemicals to milk? Are they so short sighted to think they can actually pull this off and get away with it? This is food I’m talking about. Not just any food, mind you, a main staple for infants. Could there be foul play? Another attempt to hurt China’s manufacturing reputation? I don’t know and can’t say for sure, but at the back of my mind, I can’t help but suspect someone out there is trying to tarnish the image of China, yet again.

When I say yet again, I’m not just being biased as I too agree that there are certain unscrupulous and opportunistic small time cottage industries in China (and elsewhere in the world) who only care about profit. However in this case, we are talking about Sanlu Group Company which is 43% owned by New Zealand’s dairy farmers’ cooperative, Fonterra. Sanlu Group Co. is also China’s biggest producer of powdered milk. Surely for them, safety, quality and reputation is on their top priority as they have much to lose. They are in this for the long haul and brand image is everything to them.

However having said that, the biggest mistake China made was their delayed reaction in recalling their products fast enough even after New Zealand’s Prime Minister Helen Clark had learned of this problem on September 5 and had ordered officials to inform the senior authorities in Beijing. If this was an issue of saving face, then this time it really cost them.

This incident is an immense national shame and embarrassment to China and its product safety system.  Previously, several overhauls have been introduced in an attempt to restore consumer confidence and preserve its export markets after a string of recalls and warnings abroad over tainted goods. It is also true I believe, when China claims it has been trying very hard to comply with the rules as a good standing market player. Most people would agree when I say that the Chinese culture is very much about saving face, and a good reputation comes with the ‘face’ that needs to be saved.  So what I’m trying to say is how can anyone dispute the fact that China isn’t trying hard enough when a ‘good face’ means that much to them?

I’m sure many of you remember the incident last year when Mattel accused China of weak safety standards and recalled all of Chinese made products only to realize it was a “design flaw” in its manufacturing process. The fallout from Mattel’s recall took a bizarre turn as the toy company apologized to Beijing and took the blame for the flaws in the design regarding lead-tainted toys. The VP of Mattel himself admitted that the recalls were overly inclusive and apologized for hurting the reputation of Chinese manufacturers. However the damage was already done. Yet again.

Another Seventeen More!

Here’s something hilarious I received from a male friend recently I felt worthy of posting. It’s from the male’s perspective by the way. Considering how the spirit of Merdeka Day is in the doldrums , I’d like to spruce things up a bit in here 🙂 Enjoy, have a great laugh and a great Merdeka too (if you can) ;P

** Some of the jokes are a bit crude and may offend certain prudish parties. Apologies in advance if anyone is offended in the process. 😛 **

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – A big dick or a good memory.
I don’t remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…’

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men –
‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on
earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try
Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good
partner, you’d better have a good hand.
;
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the ‘whole thing’. He was happy
with the ‘Hole’ and she was happy with the ‘Thing’……

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t.

16. Q: Why do men f ind it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men
still sleep with their wives!!

Twelve Things to Give You Reason to Laugh Today!

After more than a week of heavy stuff in this blog, I’ve decided to lighten things up in here a bit 🙂 After all, the victory at Permatang Pauh certainly calls for some celebration in the Dandelions! Don’t you think? Here’s something I received from a friend recently! Enjoy.

1) To make it straight, she pulls it. To make it stand, she rubs it. To make it stiff, she licks it. To put it in, she pushes it. It is a hell of a job threading a needle!!!

2) A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he wanted his blood back. The girl threw a bloody KOTEX at him and said, ‘I’ll pay you in monthly installments.’

3) Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend ‘The man next to me is masturbating!’ Bf: ‘Ignore him.’ GF: ‘I can’t.’ BF: ‘Why not?’ GF: ‘He is using my hand!’

4) The Biology teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks ‘Does anybody know what this is? Dirty John says ‘Oh, it’s a penis and you know Dad’s got 2 of them’. The teacher says ‘2 of them?’ John says ‘ya’. The little one he uses to pee and the big one to brush mum’s teeth.’

5) 4 miracles of a woman: A. Getting wet without taking a shower B. Bleeding without getting hurt C. Giving milk without eating grass D. Making boneless meat hard

6) What is the smallest hotel in the world? The answer is ‘Vagina Inn’. It accommodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggages left outside.

7) Unborn twins saw a penis approaching. 1st: Papa coming, papa coming 2nd: You fool, it’s uncle lah. Papa never comes with raincoat!

8) A hubby said to his wife, ‘ I will take a photo of your breast and frame it.’ The wife said to husband, ‘I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.’

9) What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs? Snow White said, ‘ I would rather have 7 inches at 1 time. Not 1 inch 7 times.’

10) The vagina is the world’s best rehabilitation center. Even the most violent and aggressive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.

11) A loving husband had ‘I Love You’ tattooed on his dick. When he got home, he showed it to his wife. She said, ‘There u go again trying to put words in my mouth.’

12) Lady was trying on a dress. Husband: ‘Your ass is as big as a BBQ pit!’ Later in bed, husband said, ‘Want to do it?’ Wife: ‘It’s a waste lighting up a BBQ pit for a small sausage.’

Dear Diary…

Before I go on any further, it’s a food diary by the way ….. Want to lose weight effectively? Here’s what I recently discovered. Keep a food diary! Yes! That’s what the senior investigator, Victor Stevens of Kaiser Permanente Center for Health Research in Portland, Oregon claims. According to him, hands downs, one of the most successful weight-loss method was keeping a record of what you eat.

In the six-month study, participants who kept a food journal seven days a week lost an average of 8 kg, as opposed to only an average of 4 kg by those who didn’t keep a food diary. There, I have your attention now have I?

So that’s it, I decided to start one a few days ago in an attempt to shed the extra few remaining kilos I’ve been trying so hard for so long but failed. The reason behind the guaranteed effectiveness of this diary is more than just writing down the details of the food you consume, rather it’s about using these records later to identify your eating habits (bad or good) which can be used later for scrutiny and modification. It will also reveal if you are a junk food addict and a glutton. Scary isn’t it?

According to M.D. Sanjay Gupta, whilst most of us think we KNOW what we eat, the reality is we only have a general idea and tend to have selective memory, especially when it comes to junk food! Yes, don’t we all have a temporary case of amnesia when our other half questions us about the fast dissapearing cookies and chocolates ! With this food diary there is no more cheating and denial (groan). It’s written down so the mystery of those extra calories magically appearing on the hips will soon be solved in a jiffy. Forget the “I don’t know why but I’ve tried and tried, yet I still can’t lose the extra weight.” or the “Nothing works. I hardly eat! Honest to God!” Let’s be brutally honest here, we’ve all cheated when it comes to dieting, so spare me the lies because I’ve been there and done that 😛

I’ll be frank as frank can get, as soon as I started my food diary, I instantly became aware of what I should be eating and what I shouldn’t be. The thought of putting down ‘an entire bag of Lay’s Original Chips’ just didn’t sound impressive. It would also make me look like a depressed and emotionaly unstable glutton. I decided to go for the Fuji apple and banana instead. (it sounded far more sane than the entire bag of chips and you know the saying, you are what you eat! and I ain’t no flaky chip)!

Portions I realised were also controlled. It’s like someone is now constantly watching over you BUT very closely. The diary encourages a sort of self monitoring system. You see with this food diary, you also have to be specific. You cannot just jot down, ‘a couple of chips‘, you have to be PRECISE. Make it detailed if you can. For instance; 10 pieces of chips or 25 gms if you are fanatic/disciplined enough….

Anyway, so far, I’m not seeing the kilos shedding yet (it’s way too soon) but I can tell you for sure, if I continue the way I am with the diary I’ll bet my Royce (chocolates) it will come off slowly but surely and in the long run I would have not only a slimmer body but a healthier body fm within. Keeping this diary is NOT just about losing weight. It’s about eating RIGHT.

Previously, I would not have hesitated when I had the urge to finish an entire tub of Baskin Robbins’ Jamoca Almond . Now, the mere thought of that hard evidence to convict me later is enough to put me off! So you can say it’s been working very well for me so far!

Oh, and just make sure you keep the dog away in case he eats your diary or you somehow left it in the cab when your spouse asks for it! ;P Good Luck and happy dieting ;D

The Willy Man… IS really 10 ten inches long!!

Willy Man – Pashupatinath, Kathmandu

We were huffing and puffing, drawn out from the long exhaustive walk at Pashupatinath when we finally decided to rest our weary feet at a small clearing in the massive open air temple of Kathmandu. “There’s no such thing as the willy man lah” quipped Damien. “Are you sure he’s not just a myth or rumour conjured by people to attract visitors?”

“I think ….more like some figment of her imagination. An obsession and quest to find the man with the biggest dick on earth like they are trying to find the bigfoot in the Yosemite!” James roars with laughter.

I’m talking about the willy man who dwells in the Pashupatinath. I was surfing the internet prior to our Tibet cum Nepal trip when I happened upon a list of must see or dos in Nepal which included a most interesting subject; the ‘Willy Man’! This man they decided to nickname Willy was apparently so well endowed, that he was one of the main attractions of the temple. With an extremely long ‘piece of equipment’ he could also supposedly lift and swing huge rocks with it. How I had no idea but I knew we had to make a stop for him. This I had to see for myself. My curiosity was instantly aroused but could you blame me? It wasn’t because I was sexually frustrated or anything mind you. I just found this darn interesting! I was over 21 years of age at that time and thus above the age limit to be exposed to such things. Good old Nepal, this could never happen in Malaysia (bolehland), here such acts would be deemed as indecent exposure and the sadhu’s ass would already have been dragged to jail, whipped AND slapped with several charges.

Meanwhile, the guys feigned disinterest but I could judge from their body language, that they were nervous as hell about meeting this willy man I’d talked about so incessantly, as much if not more than me! We all know how men have this issue with size and they compare it too. Why else would they have something so silly as a ‘Pissing competition’? In fact, let’s be fair, this obsession with size involves both sexes. However, thankfully for women, our equipment is not a means to an end. So size matters but not really that much! 😉

“You say he can lift huge rocks with his ‘thing’?  Sure or not? If he can lift rocks, my brother here can do a 16^th beat on the drums! How long is it really?!” Damien does a crude imitation of himself playing drums with his ‘yunnowhat’. I screw up my face but laugh hysterically at how silly he looks, trying to swing his imaginary piece of equipment all over the place whilst thrusting his hips forwards and backwards. He looks like a baboon on heat. 😛 (sorry Damien but you did)

“Somewhere in this temple, he lurks….I’m sure” and just then out of nowhere, as if he had heard us, this exceedingly lean, scruffy looking sadhu appeared out of nowhere. He was half naked with only an orange cloth covering his lower half of body. He had long dirty unruly hair in a bundle and they are tangled in a mass of what seems like a botched up job of dreadlocks. Some bits looked like it had been soldered because they seemed to resemble a chunk of hair that had stuck together permanently, taking form.

The two guys struggled with their cameras and lenses whilst I negotiate with the Willy Man. We knew he was the man because his sign language was crystal clear. First, he pointed to a rock the size of a melon and then he pointed to his groin. The guys jumped up and down screaming “IT’S THE WILLY MAN! IT’S THE WILLY MAN!” I swear at this point, the willy man gives them both a shifty look.

“300 rupees (if my memory serves me right). You take picture. Me this (points to groin again) go up (points up to the sky) big rock(points to the rock)!” says the Willy Man. I attempted to bargain but the guys yelled, “PAY THE MAN WHAT HE WANTS LA.QUICK! ” With slightly unsteady hands I pay him the money.The guys try to kick the rock and it doesn’t budge much. “Wah piang eh, this one not fake! Damn heavy man!” The Willy Man then proceeded to lift the cloth and revealed LO AND BEHOLD a ten inch limp dick! I stole a quick glance at the boys and saw their jaws had dropped almost to the ground at this point! With a deft hand, the Willy Man placed his ‘equipment’ across the cloth that hung the rock and lifted the rock by standing up whilst holding on to the end of his ‘equipment’. Click Click Click our cameras went. We were like mad paparazzis focused only on this man’s groin region. The Willy Man even swung the rock a bit to show off and I swear I could sense envy from the boys as their jaws dropped even further. Before we knew it, Willy Man lowered the rock and cloth and the show was over! We were in awe. All three of us. Out of respect, we walked away in silence and waited until we were a fair distance away before we broke out in peals of laughter that lasted I think a good 5 -10 minutes! Man, the Willy Man Rules the Day!!!